Resilient Leadership: Dependency Is Not a Dirty Word

Most founders I know wear their self-reliance like a badge of honor. I did too.

But here's what I've learned: the strongest leaders I've met aren't the ones who carry everything alone. They're the ones who know how to lean on others. That's resilient leadership.

In this post, I want to share what attachment science teaches us about leadership resilience. And I'll give you a simple practice to start building a support system that actually makes you a better CEO.

The myth of the self-reliant leader

Many of the leaders I meet have been culturally conditioned to believe part of being a successful entrepreneur or leader is being self-reliant. We've glamorized the solo, impervious founder. The one who figures it out alone.

You probably recognize this pattern. Decision-hoarding. Not asking for help when you're drowning. The performance of being fine when you're not.

The costs are real. Under stress, isolated leaders make worse decisions. Burnout risk goes through the roof. I've seen it in myself. I've seen it in dozens of founders I coach.

Science would suggest this mindset robs us of the greatest source of resiliency available to us: reliance on those around us.

The science of social support and stress

A study by Dr. James Coan at the University of Virginia shows this beautifully. He used brain scans to measure stress responses in women awaiting a mild electric shock.

When they waited alone, their stress response was high. Holding a stranger's hand reduced it somewhat. But holding their partner's hand? The stress was barely detectable.

The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other's psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response.

So what does this mean for founders? Uncertainty triggers your threat response. That's why scaling a company feels so hard on your nervous system. But connection with people you trust helps you stay clear, grounded, and creative.

Attachment theory and leadership resilience

Attachment theory gives us a powerful concept: the secure base. In leadership terms, this is a person or relationship that helps you face uncertainty without spiraling.

This doesn't mean you're weak or incapable. A resilient leader can seek support and still take full responsibility. In fact, the research shows that people with secure attachments are more effective under pressure. Not less.

If you struggle with anxiety in leadership, building a secure base might be one of the most important things you do.

CEO resilience and founder resilience: what this looks like in real life

Let me give you three scenarios I see work:

With your exec team or cofounder: Stop performing certainty. Share the real constraint.

Try saying: "I don't know how we're going to hit this number. I need help thinking through it."

You'll be amazed how much better the conversation gets. For more on this, see my piece on hard conversations.

With your cofounder specifically: Try a weekly relationship check-in. Not the business. The relationship.

Ask: "How are we doing? What's unspoken?" I've seen this save cofounder relationships that were headed for disaster.

With a partner or close friend: Make one specific ask after a hard day. Not "I had a rough day."

Instead: "Can you just listen for five minutes? I don't need you to fix it." That's how you make friends as a founder who actually help.

A 10-minute practice to build leadership resilience

Here's a simple practice I use with founders I coach. Takes ten minutes.

• Name your current stressor. Write it down in one sentence. Don't overthink it
• Pick one person. Someone you trust. Cofounder. Partner. Coach. Close friend.
• Make one specific ask. Not "I'm stressed." Instead: "Can we talk for 15 minutes about X?"
• Set a cadence. Weekly or biweekly. Put it on the calendar. A regular one-on-one meeting with your support person.
• Review after two weeks. What changed? How did it feel?

Scripts you can steal:

To a cofounder: "I've been carrying something alone that I shouldn't. Can we find 20 minutes this week for me to share it?"

To a partner: "Work's been heavy. Tonight, can I vent for a few minutes? You don't need to solve it."

To a coach or therapist: "I want to use our time to work on how I ask for help. It doesn't come naturally to me."

If you're heading toward founder burnout, this practice can be a lifeline.

Let your people in.

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