Learning to Begin from Being

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Last summer, I was sitting near the beach in France, drinking a glass of wine and finishing some oysters, journaling about where my coaching practice might go in the coming year.

I was approaching my seven-year mark in this work. For some time, I had been longing for something more. More depth. More impact. More connection with my clients.

Even as I write this, I can feel my chest swell with the sense of what I might have known then, but could not yet see coming.

One of the simplest constructs we have in coaching is the idea of be, do, have.

The idea is simple. Especially in Western society, we are taught that in order to have the things we want and be happy, we must do. We must take certain actions. We must achieve, accomplish, go to the right school, get the right job, start the right company, build the right life.

And so many of us live at a frantic pace, trying to earn the life, love, and peace we are longing for.

But the truth often runs in reverse.

In order to do what we are meant to do in this life, we must begin by being. By knowing who we are.

What I did not see last summer was that my life was about to enter a tremendous period of change. My very being was going to evolve.

And looking back, of course this was the place to start for my coaching work.

The way I understand coaching has always started with the coach bringing the fullness of who he or she is, and the client doing their best to bring the same. At its best, the coaching relationship is one of the few places in life where both coach and client can be fully open.

So the question of where my coaching ought to lead in the next phase had to begin with me.

Now, almost twelve months later, my life has changed in ways I could not have imagined then.

As I wrote about previously, I made the difficult decision earlier this year to end a twelve-year romantic partnership. That decision changed the structure of my life substantially.

But that was not the core of the change.

The core was an evolution in my understanding of myself. Of my inherent value. Of what it means to begin from a place of deeply owning and believing in my own lovability.

My own right to exist. To be cared for. To be celebrated. To be fully held in what I do.

To exist in relationships, friendships, and even in work only in places where the fullness of me is held, and where I can hold the fullness of the other.

This is a huge topic, and I promise to write about it more in the months ahead. I am, quite honestly, still in the depth of the exploration myself. (I've also explored related topics in the past including dropping the mask, not running on fear and separarting yourself from the business.)

Some of this began for me as long ago as therapy at sixteen years old. It went much deeper four years ago during my time at the Hoffman Institute, as I peeled back some of the darker corners of my childhood, my sense of identity, and the message that I needed to work hard to achieve love.

To achieve value.

I love the old Buddhist parable about the demons in the cave.

A man is stuck in a cave with demons. Over time, he learns that his only option is to turn and face them. As he faces each demon, one by one, it disappears.

Until only the largest demon remains.

When he turns toward this final demon, it does not flinch. It stares directly back at him. Then the demon opens its mouth as if to consume him.

Doing the only thing he can think of, the man places his head inside the demon’s mouth.

And the demon disappears.

The cave opens.

I could not have seen it a year ago, but this has been the year of the cave opening for me. Cracking wide open to bright sunlight.

And the question of where my work is headed is answered for me in heading toward that light. Stepping out of that cave. Coming alongside others who are looking to do the same in their work, their relationships, and their lives.

If, as you read this, you find yourself in a cave of your own making, wrapped in the painful message that for you to exist and have value in this world, you must do, strive, achieve, and prove, I would invite you to lean into that assumption.

To explore its fallacies.

This is not to say we ought not strive or achieve. Or make art. Or write books. Or help others. Or build companies.

It is simply to say that we do not need to start from a place of striving for our own value. For our own lovability.

We can instead start from a deep knowledge of our own beauty. Of the light within each of us. Of the inherent and incredible value we already possess.

If we start from that place, from our being, everything changes.

The friendships we deserve. The relationships we desire. The work that is ours to do. The way we organize our teams. The way we sit with our spine straight in the boardroom.

Perhaps also the way we are able to hold others when our value is not contingent on their response to us.

The way we are able to face the most difficult questions in our companies, or our countries, when our own value is not on the line.

The way we sit with our children in their most difficult moments when our value as parents is not on the line.

Everything changes.

Wherever you are in your own journey of that change, you are not alone.

I’m right here with you, with tears in my eyes as I write this.

I’m right here.

And I love you for it.

Thank you for reading.

In the meantime, sending a big hug your way from my desk in LA.

-Matt

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Looking for some support? If now is the time to consider coaching, reach out here.