Sanity Notes #042: The Board Isn’t on Fire

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I was sitting in a beautiful home overlooking the Pacific Ocean on the Oregon coast, and I found myself sitting in front of my laptop exchanging emails with my son’s mother about Christmas break plans. And this felt familiar: negotiating with someone who can sometimes feel like an opponent about something that feels strategically critical. I’ve done it dozens of times as a co-parent, and I’ve done it thousands of times as a CEO.

And I found myself sitting with a funny thought today. Let this be a bit of a game. Not in the sense that the people involved don’t matter. They do. My kids matter enormously. Being a caring, generous co-parent matters. But maybe every move doesn’t need to carry so much emotional weight. Maybe I can be thoughtful in my response, the way I would if I were playing a good game of chess, without getting so wrapped up in the emotions of it.

What actually changed on the board? Does this even require a move? What are we protecting? Is there a cheap move available? Am I being baited into chasing something irrelevant? What does the long game ask of me?

Those questions felt surprisingly freeing. Because the truth is, there often isn’t nearly as much at stake in any single exchange as my nervous system wants me to believe. I can lose a point. I can accommodate something. Someone can misunderstand me. I can receive an annoying email. I can even make a slightly imperfect move. And my life will still be okay. The game continues.

Maybe this is useful well beyond co-parenting. There are so many moments in a day when something suddenly feels enormous. An investor email. A tense conversation with a partner. A client decision. A conflict with a colleague. A difficult text. And our bodies start acting as though the whole board is on fire.

Maybe sometimes the more useful question is: What if this were just a position to play? What changed? What matters? What doesn’t? What is the simplest good move?

And then, once you’ve made it, can you get up from the board and go live your life?

I wonder where you might be taking something today a little too seriously. Where might it help to hold the situation with care, but also with a little more strategy, spaciousness, and play?

If you’re in the middle of something that feels heavy and you want another set of eyes on the board, I’m here.

In the meantime, sending a big hug your way from the Oregon coast.

-Matt

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